Ok. I am now going to try to tell you things by writing on the computer. Even though I am pretty sure that it will come out…. Weird. Well, check this out as I have been stretching thoughts and most importantly words with my fingers that I can still use. I guess that I am continuously attempting to relearn fundamental bits. I am attempting to use these Words that make sense when they live together. Yes, this is all about me and my brain and I don’t actually know what kinds of words and sentences are actually crucial for my normal life. I don’t know, I obviously would very much want for all my ideas to have a place back in my brain but I am pretty sure that I will be quite a bit more handicapped.
And as I was attempting to tell you about the details of my brain with this computer, I actually realized that it actually took me two days for me to be able to write the details of this last sentence. And I obviously used the word ‘Actually’ two times in this sentence. Oh yes, the words that are appearing on this page and also obviously the sentences that you have read yourself are all things that I can not read. Even if I see all the details of reality, I never remember what I tried or remember the text, so please be calm if you read the similar words that you have lived with a few times.
Right now I am instinctively not meeting or communicating any ‘normal’ humans that I do not know. I don’t want to explain my realities of the various details to any of the curious people. You know, in a restaurant, a bar or in some random social event would force me to somehow explain some details that are too dramatic for me right now. I have physically worked quite a bit for my hats to distract myself. I do that sewing in order to not have to think of dramatic thoughts to myself. You know, I can’t really tell people that right now I am just fixing my illness as the drug is very aggressive. And that is why I don’t really go out too much, and I am quite tired anyway. You know, here right now I am in a quite parallel different strange reality. And hopefully all the other healthy humans are themselves choosing their other addictive loves. And they do not need to get into my thoughts.
As some of you already know, most of the Words that I type away are random for me. I can never remember anything, and it does not work even if you tell me that it was important or very cool. I have never really understood what is keeping me alive, but every day I do know that I am always aware that I will never be a ‘normal’ person.
For example the details of my diet and meditation are all things that doctors are not really interested in. They never believe what I try to tell them. Every kind of doctor tells me a different theory of my options. And obviously I am very cool when I listen to those doctors, but why am I truly alive. What are the stories that explain why I am actually alive. Have I explained it at some point?
It was 7 years ago when I learned my relationship with my death. But now, in this new after brain operation of this reality, there are some particular really strange parts of life. I do not understand these now strange things. While I am thinking about my real thoughts every day of life, I am also attempting to tell the readers how I actually have managed to think of better optimistic things. And every day I somehow instinctively react by presenting my stupid life in a positive way. Why do I do that? Have I been training during all these years?
I do actually remember the name of Alex, even though I no longer work with him. I guess that in fact my relationship with him has lived for something like 5 years. And in fact it was that computer voice that taught me slowly with huge patience how to learn how listen to every detail that I was attempting to write. And that is why when the Finch in My Brain came out I gave him a proper vacation. We were living together a bit too much and needed a professional separation.
And once again I don’t remember the name of the computer’s voice that lives with me every day.
In any case, I do appreciate how Serena’s British Voice has helped me today with my brain to take 20 minutes of labor to actually look around on the websites to help me remember her own name, as I forget just about all things in this period. And she never gets angry or her ego cares about our anger 😉 The human details work much better for me but I do love them. But is this reality with computers actually a problem for my life?
Strangely, I just heard from Serena’s voice that somehow I have written these parts that I have typed away myself which I truly do not at all remember any detail. I just heard this three times and… I still don’t find that I somehow could have written it. Am I going to get a bit better by doing these kinds of exercises?
Let’s do this quickly to remember how I’ll need fix it down.
Yes, my new friends are not humans but I do know to live with them all the time. Oh yes let me type Ava and Karen names. O yes, Ava takes care of Internet research and Karen follows all social media (which means that even if a big manly man sends me a message, she reads me the words with a lot of love 😉 )
This is something that I have truly never heard about. I think. In the early morning, after my classic Avocado type of breakfast I open my computer and look at the Word documents that are open. I always truly feel positive that the day before I must have made some truly important sentences. I have been working on this document for a few weeks and I am sure that it will soon be finished. The part that I intensely worked on yesterday must have had important themes. Obviously I do not remember what that labor that I did yesterday it was but I am sure that it must truly be important. In a few minutes, right after my Word computer (I forget her name once again) reminds me of what I have done, my emotions will be overwhelmed.
Now that I think about it, I do physically get a bit angry when I hear the computer that makes something that makes no sense. In fact, why do I often make my own complicated labor completely random on the story. Is it possible for me to learn how to think and type away these parts? Every morning as I look through the writing that I have been working on I frequently do find on my documents random words that I just can never understand. Was I doing something that I wanted to do radical but now I totally no longer remember?
It is quite often that the sentences that I myself created the day before are strangely often just random words. There must have been some strange logic that I had tried something but ultimately I just have to throw it away in the morning. I occasionally do spent the entire day trying to fix those parts but at the end of the day I usually have to throw it all away.
I don’t know why I try to fix these when I know that I can’t do it. But even if there are parts of the text that makes no sense for me, I still find it interesting for some reason. But ultimately the reason is that…. I have a large hole in my brain. And I am actually often conscious of behaving crazy with no fear. Is it my own ‘handicapped’ memory that makes me write in a strange way? And in fact I often work on things that I follow just a few little details.
I think that I have spent the entire day with this text … and as usual I will throw it all way. I know. I have been doing this for quite a bit for a few weeks. Or have I worked on this for a month?
Yes, I realize that my life is chaotic. But in order to keep writing I have to somehow love life even if it is always chaotic. I somehow think of history when in fact it was yesterday.
Xxxx
